Friday, January 20, 2012

MOPs Devotional Test Run

I signed up to give the devotional at the start of one of the upcoming MOPs.  After I did it, I wasn't quite sure why I signed up and I really had no idea what I would talk about.  Then it occurred to me today while I was holding a crying baby Ruby at Bible study, when I looked at Becky, I knew how she felt. It took me back to Tanner. The light went on; I could just tell my little MOPs story and how the girls I have met in this wonderful group have changed me and helped me and most important, kept me laughing! This might be a little long, but nothing will make sense unless I start from the beginning. I'm not including everything that I'm going to cover right now, I'll elaborate more at MOPs!

It took Tyler and I four years to have Tanner.  The 4 years of trying to have a baby were long, filled with more miscarriages than I have fingers, as well as an ectopic pregnancy that lead to emergancy surgery and the removal of a burst fallopian tube as well as ovary.  I know what it is like to try to have a baby and not have it happen right away. I can empathize.  It sucks.  However, I am so thankful for those extra years that I got to have Tyler all to myself!

Tanner was born and of course he was the cutest and most wonderful, miraculous thing I had ever seen!  We were just in total awe of him.  He was amazing.  He cried a lot and I had the baby blues pretty bad. To say he was a difficult baby would be putting it lightly. Sleep depravation is awful. I returned back to work when he was 3 months old.  That was such a blessing.  As much as I didn't want to go, I was so glad I did.  The nurses and doctors I worked around were amazing and really helped me get back in a  good groove.  They took one look at me, as I was wasting away to nothing, and knew exactly what I needed.  The day care that I took Tanner too was filled with my girlfriends which also helped me so much! It was fun to start and end my day seeing them and their kids and I do miss that.  My confidance as a mom was high and I felt like nothing could shake that. MOPs had just started at church and I went when I could but more often than not I couldn't leave work. So, that first year, I couldn't really bond with anyone. But I knew I really enjoyed MOPs and wanted to go more and get to know these super girls better and be involved in this great program.

When I got pregnant with Carter, and it stuck,  I was shocked and scared.  Tanner was still really young and the thought of having kids this close in age was not in my plan.  But, I was ok with it and excited for another little baby! I went back to work for 3 months after he was born and then quit for many reasons but the biggest was paying $1300 a month in childcare. This was just not a good idea for our family.  My last day of work was December 19, 2008, right before the holidays which helped, but after the holiday hustle and bustle was over, it was tough.  It was a difficult transition for me to go from working mom, to staying at home mom.  Staying at home sucked.  I felt like I was trapped and I was not used to that at all.   Another weird thing that happened was my confidance in my skills as a mother plumetted.  Any sort of confidance I had was gone.  I second guessed everything and felt like everything I did was wrong.  I felt so bad for Tanner and Carter who had this mom who now felt like she was totally inadequate. Never in my life had I felt like this.  All my friends worked, they had no idea of what I was going through. My only outings were the twice a month MOPs Fridays and I revealed in them.  I took back all the bad things I said about the moms who stayed at home and had it so easy.  This was quite the adjustment period, I was so lonley, and I was not prepared for it.  Plus, I detested feeling like I couldn't "mother" correctly. Where was all the bliss I had thought this was going to be?

Slowly, twice a month and at play dates, I started to form friendships with some of the most amazing girls ever.  Thank God. It took about a year and I felt like I had at least 15 girls in my life that were my new best friends. This number continues to grow as time goes on. I am continually surprised at the amount of wonderful girls in my life. These girls understood me, what I was going through, where I was coming from, and had the same stories I had-only now they were funny.  My confidence in my skills as a mom and who I was as a person started to rise.  I was over the hump and feeling so great.  This was just in time too because God was about to drop another bombshell on me-a pregnancy while on birth control!  Did I mention we were done having kids too.  Yes.  We had come to the decision that Tanner and Carter were enough and our family was complete.  So, we were wrong.  It's all good! I have really learned that I am not in control of my life! Luckily, I was not alone in this with my MOPs friends, yes there are other crazy families that God drops bombshells on too-we laugh now!

Hadley was born to me as a mom with confidence, security in myself, and the absolute love of being a mom & wife and nothing else.  She also is the world's easiest baby.  Thank you God! I LOVE being a mom to Tanner, Carter & Hadley. And more than anything I love the kind of wife I get to be to Tyler. I LOVE this time with them.  I'm not saying there aren't times when I cry or want to jump off a cliff. But for the most part, I cannot imagine it being any different.  I laugh when I forget to cook dinner. I don't know how I forget about it, it comes every day at the same time! It was one of those things I swore I could do so well if I didn't work.  Ha! I laugh that we can't get out of the house before 9:30, when I used to have us all out the door at 6:30.  It's amazing the transformation our family has taken.

Without MOPs I would not have been reassured that I was a good mom, friend, wife, daughter, sister, and everything else I can be at different times.  Because of the girls in my MOPs group, I was able to recoup my confidence.  You girls took away the loneliness I felt and filled it with friendship and I can't thank you enough.  This is a snippet! More to come!

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